Listening to: My fiance playing Candy Crush
Reading: My words as I type
Watching: Former friends on Facebook
I'm starting to feel some poetry nostalgia coming on. I deleted all of my old poetry, every form of it I have in existence, which I regret from time to time. But that's not what I'm talking about.
I feel some depth to my emotions. The kind of depth I require to write about them. But instead of that fueling the vows I should be writing, I feel it going a different course.
Maybe it's the wedding. Makes you look back and think about your life. Makes me think of all the friends I had wanted to stand with me as my bridesmaids. And makes my heart twist when I look at the much smaller group I have to stand with me.
I'm going back through things from my past. People from my past. I wonder how it's possible, to care for someone so much when they care for you so little? When they had no issue just dropping you, or just letting you fall out of their life? One of my lost friends, I messaged her before we lost it all. Begging her to tell me what I did wrong. To help me fix it. She did not fight for me. None of them did.
I find myself going through their Facebook pages, going over their status's, trying to see if they post anything about me. Not out of vanity, or pride. But to see if they care, if they miss me, if it seems like they check on me every now and then.
I don't understand how I can be the only one who cared ... I loved them so wholly, so deeply. Yes I changed, and most didn't change with me. Some changed as well, but our changes drove us apart, as we weren't changing in sync. But my heart hurts to look back at it. And I find myself crying in the middle of the night every now and then. My fiancé waking up to hold me and asking me what's wrong. Her soothing me and telling me not to let them hurt me. That they aren't worth my pain, that they don't care about me and don't deserve me to care.
But I find it hard to not care. We loved each other once, did we not? Whether romantically, or just as the truest of friends, we all loved each other. So what happened to that love? What made you all forget that you loved me that way, made you have no remorse letting me fade off to the side?
Don't get me wrong here. I'm really happy with my life. I'm getting married in two months, I have two beautiful dogs, we are already planning for children, I feel so happy and safe and excited for my future, and I am moving up in my job.
There is just a small part of me that wishes that the ones I lost would be here happy with me about my life, and I about theirs.